How to deal with tantrums?

Article from Margaret Saunders

Initially tantrums are an emotional expression with the purpose of getting attention of the parent or caregiver. Then this gets a result.

So how do we control and moderate this behaviour? Changing the behaviour in babies and young children is all about motivation. And motivation can take two forms.

Positive motivation - that is encouragement, rewards and love.

Negative or fear motivation - that is threats of punishment or confiscating possessions.

Which method to use depends entirely on the child's age and the relationship with the carer and which one you are more comfortable with.

Here are several methods starting with a soft approach which we recommend, then followed by firmer alternatives.

1. The Firm Hug Method

When a child is in the midst of a tantrum, give them a firm loving hug. This requires the parent or carer to be in full emotional control. It could be argued that holding a wriggling screaming child may or may not be practical, but this method works very well in some cases. And is not so embarrassing if you are in a public place, such as a supermarket.

2. The Ignore Or Divert Method

This does sound like a contradiction but please read on. A tantrum is designed to get your attention. If you just keep on going and totally ignore that the tantrum is happening, it sends the clear message to the toddler that his actions are having NO EFFECT AT ALL. That may work by itself, but the method is made a lot more powerful by diverting the child's attention to something totally unrelated.

For example: in a shop, a toddler may tantrum to get a toy or snack etc, so you just ignore the fireworks and perhaps drop a coin and suggest a search, or urgently suggest to find a particular shopping item.

3. The Star Chart Method

This is our favourite. Create a chart with about twenty or thirty stars or dots on it. Cover the chart with clear laminate. Then use a whiteboard marker to colour stars for good behaviour. With your toddler's input decide on some reasonable rewards. They don't have to cost money ... A Trip to their favourite park, playing with friends, a small $ reward (which can also be used to introduce concepts of saving money and investing in a bank account i.e.: spend half and save half). If you spend a bit of time building up the reward in your toddlers mind, you be amazed how powerful this system can be. (Also could use a blackboard and chalk for your chart if this is easier for you.)

4. The Quiet Corner Method:

Decide on a location in your home and name it the quiet corner. You may want to place a chair in the location and call it the thinking chair (for older toddlers). I really don't like to name items the naughty corner or the naughty chair or any other negative description. Here we want to focus on the positive. When your baby or toddler has misbehaved they are either placed or sent to this location for a few minutes, allowing the situation to calm down and diffuse. If the child refuses to stay, always send them back. If they are extremely persistent, you might have to consider another method. But this system can work, and its very boring for a child to be facing a wall.

And it doesn't hurt if your child is old enough to ask for either an apology or ask how they could behave differently next time.

5. Smacking:

From our point of view this is not an option. If you have found yourself smacking your child please review our options for alternatives. The long term damage to a child caused by smacking is enormous. If you feel you need help from a professional to either curb your own behaviour or that of your child please, please seek help. If need be please call us so that we can point you in the right direction or offer you our support and ideas and positive encouragement.

And please, remember, that whichever of these methods works for you whenever you carry out a toddler taming solution always keep your heart open. You cannot love your child too much. Always reward and praise your child whenever they do the "right thing", and always tell them how much you love them, over and over again.